I remember the very first time I first felt the “ugly demon” latch unto my life.
I was young, really young. In fact, I don’t even think I had made it to grade school yet. And although my memory is short for the happenings of my childhood, I remember this moment clearly. I was at a preschool held at a Lutheran church a short distance from my home. I was with other young girls as we played in one of the rooms when other, much older girls came in to join us. And as young girls are known to do, it became an instant idea for all of us to role play as if we were a family. The older girls would act as the mothers and the younger girls would be the children. I remember sitting and waiting as the older girls went around the room to choose those of us that they would take on as their “daughter”. In this moment, I distinctly remember one of the older girls looking to me with a fair amount of disgust as someone suggested that I should be the one to play as her daughter. “No Way!” she said, shaking her head viciously, waving her hand to further prove her protest. She laughed as she said this, causing the other older girls to do so as well. I don’t remember how the game went from there. But I do remember how I felt when I saw this girl object to my presence with such animation.
To be fair, it could very well have been something other than my appearance that turned her off about playing with me. But there was no other option that my young mind could calculate. At that very moment I had quickly decided that I wasn’t chosen because I was not pretty enough. This, was the first moment I was ever made to feel less than because of my looks. This, I believe, is when the seed of the “ugly demon” began to take root in my heart.
I shared this story because I have bottled it in for years, and I am now at a place where I am ready to uproot this demon from my life. This experience was one of the many stories that will eventually land on this blog. Because I believe it is only in praying about it, talking about it, writing about it, and being transparent about it that I will begin to see the seeds of lies that the enemy so patiently and strategically placed in my life that are the cause of my insecurities today.
They say that in order to truly get rid of weeds from your yard you have to pull them up by the roots. And that is exactly what I plan to do.